I read this in someone's Friendster profile this morning and it made me laugh and laugh... so I felt compelled to share with you all, my pretty, sweet lovelies...
1. In retrospect, nothing makes you more paranoid that you'll get hit by a car than actually getting hit by a car. Weird that getting a dart stuck in my head never made me afraid of darts, or drunk people with sharp objects in general.
2. NOTHING is scarier than Vicky, the robot from Small Wonder. Nothing is funnier than rodeos where the monkeys in costumes ride the dogs.
3. On the quote board at work: "I use my hotness as a marketing tool." Also, my boss liked the idea of me getting a t-shirt that says "First you'll date me, then you'll hate me." So, there's that.
4. "Dog New Tricks" by Garbage is bumping on my green iPod mini. Jealous?
5. In my high school musical, I played merry circus midget General Thom Thumb. It was a stretch, as I had no military background. FUN FACT: I went on to direct a teen pregnancy play where one of my stars got knocked up. I love method acting, but seriously.
6. My alarm clock is covered with a note that says "You will wake up or you will be fat!" Hard to worry about that argument. while I'm sleeping though, which is really the catch.
7. I have a cousin who was named after Britney f***ing Spears. I kid you not.
8. You dare lift my sunglasses to check out my eyes and I will feel compelled to punch you in yours. "Feel compelled" are the operative words. Note, I will not hit you, but you should know I want to.
9. You are not Claire Danes. Seriously, it's over.
10. I really want to meet my biological grandfather, that abandoning toolbox that he is.
11. I do want to meet the guy who invented the Sharper Image massage chair, because THANK YOU SIR.
12. Can I meet Lindsay Lohan? Because seriously, unapologetic, drunken underage whores from Disney movies are where it's at. Parent Trap, indeed.
13. You saw Garden State, right? And loved every song, right? Especially the Zero 7 song from when they play Spin The Bottle, right? No?! Then why are you here?
14. If you have a bad pant-to-shoe ratio, my friend Cynthia will forbid that we speak. Sorry, but it's her rule, not mine, and she's probably way hotter than you.
Random ass shit like that really cracks me up. Thanks man!
This morning I had the song "Fish Heads, Fish Heads, Rolly Polly Fish Heads, Fish Heads Fish Heads Eat Them Up, Yum!" in my head. Does anyone else remember this shit? Or is this a song a figment of my active imagination?
Mmmmm... Teddy Grahams. Indubitably... DELICIOUS!
Do you know in the song "Get Low" by Lil Jon? Can you make out the words? I can. It goes a little something like this... "To the window, to the wall, (to dat wall)... To the sweat drop down my balls (MY BALLS) To all these bitches crawl (crawl)... To all skeet skeet motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skeet skeet got dam (Got dam)... To all skeet skeet motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skeet skeet got dam (Got dam). Enthralling? Thought-provoking? Indeed! What exactly does "skeet skeet" mean? Well, in order to answer this query, I went to my trusty side kick Google and found skeet is a slang term for ejaculation. Ah, Lil Jon. You are indeed a true poet!
I am craving pineapple rings.
I feel like administering a hearty spanking.
And with that, I bid you adeiu.