Bethany's Thoughts from 4am to 8:15am This Morning:
1. Holy fuck, I am way too old to have roommates. I am way too old to have roommates that stay out until 4am getting drunk and then stumble in and make food in the microwave and burn it, giving me this God damn headache as a result of the acrid smell. I am too mentally fragile not to get my full 7 hours of sleep per night. Am I going insane? Am I looooooosing my mind? Do I need sedatives? Aren't the Walgreen's pharmacists on strike? Maybe I can spring for some Ambien. Fuck, I can't even afford to buy a bottle of vodka so we can have a vodka watermelon tonight. Who am I kidding? Stop stomping around! I really need to go back to sleep. Fuck, I am thirsty.
2. Ah, much better. Maybe TV will help me drift off. VH1. Lovely. Oh shit. Why do Missy Elliott's videos freak me out so much? Insomniac Music Theater plays the same shit over and over. And how do I know this? because I watch it around this time every night. "Lose Control" is on. She really freaks me out when the show her darkened face in that blue hoodie. Missy Elliott gives me effen nightmares. Gyrating around with her stomach stapled body, rising out of some sand, flailing her wily limbs around like they were about to break free from her body.... STOP IT, MISSY!! JUST STOP! Ciara, don't you have a dick? Is that why you are wearing that flowy skirt?
3. Since when is Jessica Simpson such a raging whore? Isn't that Christina's department? Pop her cherry and 2 years later, this is the result? Did her dad pick out that pink bikini? What in God's name is Willy Nelson lending his talent to this shit for? Those red boots are fierce, though. This is the worst remake EVER. Wait, there are worse ones out there, I am sure. Like whatever bitch remade "Boys Of Summer." That sucks a nut. But this sucks pretty bad. I want Willy to just punch her in the face and then pee on her. That would be sweet.
4. Maybe I need to press "play" on my VCR and watch a little of the porn tape that is stuck in there. Might help me relax. It was stuck in LL's VCR and now it is stuck in mine. Why are all these women so ugly? This isn't going to work. These girls need to shave their shit and get some implants.
5. Shit, now the sun is up. Let me pull this comforter over my head.
6. Now I can't breathe.
7. I need to look up where to buy that Clinique Total Turnaround face cream. That sample size is not going to last too long and it makes me sandpaper face feel as smooth as a baby's ass.
8. I am going on a boat on Sunday. Yay! I have to put on a bathing suit. Fuck! That Core Secrets ball is now blatantly mocking me. I oughta go out there and puncture the fuck out of it with expensive ass Kenneth Cole pumps. At least they'd be put to some sort of good use.
9. WHY IS IT that they most solid and peaceful, dream-filled sleep I get is during the 9 minutes the snooze button allows me? The alarm is going to go off in half an hour and I want to press snooze at least 7 times. Fuck it, I should. I have stayed late the past two days. It's Friday. Where did this week go? All I have done is grill out and drink Pina Coladas and gain weight and watch Sex And The City. I am a worthless human being.