LONDON (Reuters) - A British woman was sentenced to two and a half years in jail Thursday for ripping off her ex-lover's testicle with her bare hands during a drunken brawl after he refused her sex.
Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage in May last year after Geoffrey Jones, 37, who had ended their long-term relationship, rejected her advances.
She grabbed him by the genitals, tearing off his left testicle, then hid it in her mouth before a friend of Jones handed it back to him saying "that's yours."
Monti, of Birkenhead, near Liverpool, pleaded guilty to unlawful wounding at an earlier hearing.
Ok, ok... all obvious questions and squirming aside, I am wondering... this friend. Was some guy just chillin', watching his friend being seduced by this crazy bitch? Did he witness her rip off one of his nuts? Did he march up to her and demand for her to remove it from her mouth? Or did he actually reach in there and fish it out? And after he fished it out, why did he have to say the obvious statement in the history of obvious statements? Shouldn't he have been flipping out, holding his friends ball in his hot little hand? How was he so calm, cool and collected to gather said ball and hand it back to his friend? Does shit like this happen to him all the time? Were him and that crazy bitch in cahoots? And who the hell says "cahoots" anymore anyway?
Happy Friday, y'all!
What a whirlwind of a week. Where do I even start? Where I left off, I suppose.
So, LAST Friday, I went to an early Fat Tuesday party. It was $25 all you can drink and eat. The eating consisted of 5 bites of spicy ass sausage with nasty ass rice. Yeeeeee-uck. The drinking consisted of Pat O'Brien's Hurricanes. Now, for all of you that have had one of these babies, back me up... aren't they pure liquid evil? I swear, people were LITERALLY dropping like flies.
I look over at my friend Sandy. Boom! Down she went. Instead of helping her up, I tottered over to my friend Mike. BANG! He falls off his stool. Pure fucking comedy. The smooth taste and fruity goodness glides them right down your gullet, and you are not aware they are 90% alcohol.
Sandy and I before it really got ugly
Daddy, Sandy, Danimal and I holding each other upright
I was so happy when my boys showed up. I was pretty much to hub of the group I was with. Most of these people would not be hanging out together if it weren't for me being such a mass e-mail whore.
Bethany: Bringing people together one alcoholic beverage at a time.
Dio was supposed to meet up with us but got waylaid by a drinking contest with a buddy of his. He was still going to show up until I berated him over the phone.
Me: Where the FUCK are you? It's 11pm!
Him: Baby, I am going to try to get there as soon as I can. Calm down. I am a good 45 minutes away from where you are.
Me: You better be here in 10 minutes or it's OVER!
Fucking Hurricanes. Thank god he is such a patient, patient man.
I woke up the next morning with a dollar in my bra and an sledge hammer in my head. I immediately called Dio to smooth things over, which ended up making things worse. We are both stubborn motherfuckers. I was supposed to be going to his place for the first time during the day, but I felt like something you'd scrape off the bottom of your shoe. After wallowing in disgust and self-pity for a few hours, I got my shit together and headed on over to his place via the L.
We are always at my place, so seeing where he grew up made me view him in such a different light. I saw this 8th grade picture of him and could not stop giggling. My God! I would have had the biggest crush on his ass back in middle school. Of course, I would have been in 8th an him in 6th, so a romance between us would have been scandalous as all get out. He took me to his basement where I viewed his massive record collection. I even go to see him spin a bit, which was a major turn on.
I think you can love someone so much and claim to know them so well, but then you see a flash of something you have never seen before. Maybe it's a gleam in their eye, a story you have never heard, or maybe they are doing something they are so passionate about right in front of you. It changes your perspective. The scope you see them in widens. You have a new found respect and possibly love them more then you thought you ever could. That is how I felt when I saw Dio in his element, in front of 2 turn tables and a microphone. I didn't think I could love him anymore than I already did. But I guess I was wrong.
He took me upstairs and showed me 2 paintings he has done and I was blown away again. The creative talent in this man truly inspires me to get off my lazy ass and start creating again. A man I am dating as a positive influence? Christ on a cracker, I never thought it could happen to me!!!!
SUPERBOWL SUNDAY! I could care less. All it meant to me was some funny commercials and lots of fried chicken. Somehow, cheap wine wormed its way into that equation. So congrats go out to Gump since his beloved Patriots won. Or did they? I don't know. I don't think anyone but bookies and East Coasters gave a flying fuck. I was too busy rolling around on Daddy's bed in a mock mass orgy.
Monday came and went without much incident. I went to my girl Heather's place. We watched the Bachlorette and drooled over Jerry. I can't believe she kept that creepy John Paul, but I suppose I would take him over that Opie-lookin'-motherfucker Wendall. Just his name skeeves me out. But I tip a hat to his drunk Chicago family. RAWK ON!
Then we come to FAT TUESDAY. I was SO going to stay in. I was! I had every intention of mastering the dark art of Tarot and watching American Idol. Which, by the way, I think Simon is being such a puss this season. Grow some balls, dude! But Daddy poked his round little head into my room and demanded I go to Mystic Celt with them. At the age of 28, I am sad to admit I still succumb to peer pressure. So I gathered my intestinal fortitude and ventured out for another round of Hurricane consumption. Once again, acting as a hub, I got Heather, Priscilla, a former roomie and his woman (who is my new best friend, she is too good for him. Kidding. Kinda.) and 2 former neighbors to come meet me out. I sat in the middle of a half hetero and half homo table. I was the bologna in a sexual identity sandwich.
The breeders, representin'. WHAT!
The heteros got antsy to dance, so we headed over to my former favorite hang out, Hi-Tops. I felt like Matthew Mc Conaughey's character in Dazed and Confused. I keep getting older, but the skanks on writhing around on the stage stay the same age. And that age is 19. I spotted this girl that made me cringe. I did not know whether to applaud her or pelt her with my full vodka/Red Bull. You be the judge:
See, she isn't FAT fat. In all actuality, this is probably what my stomach looks like, although I try to pretend it doesn't... but I saw her and could not look away. Slutty behavior aside, this girl had some confidence. You would never catch me onstage baring my gut to a bunch of horny frat boys. I felt a mixture of disgust and respect, if that is possible. She obviously loves her body. More power to ya. But at the same time, cover that shit up or go to a gym!
Wednesday night, I am keeping that in the vault... but last night was nice. Dio picked me up from work and we went to Target, where my goal was to spend my entire $200 limit on my Target Card that I had just paid off. Everyone's gotta have goals! I got all kinds of random shit, which if you need random shit, Target is just the place for you my friend! I think that Isaac Mizra-howeveryouspellit really dropped the ball on his latest fashion line. Blah, boring and blech! But thankfully some cute Sesame street undies, new bedding and some fabulous make-up made up for the horrendous lack of clothes. Even though I felt like I did not get a lot, I ended up going $45 over my limit. Damn you city Chicago! The same stuff would have cost $175 in Indiana! Mayor Daley, bite me.
Dio and I picked up some Little Caesars and got home just in time for The O.C. Seth has officially crossed the line from endearingly annoying to flat-out irritating. Dial it back a notch there, writers. I don't blame you, Adam Brody. I still wuve you! As for the hot lesbian action... not so hot. I know a few guys that would beg to differ, but this is Fox. The same station that aired "Whose Your Daddy?" could have managed to show some 2nd base action. Maybe they are building up to it.
It's FRIDAY! Woo hoo! My friend's band Wonderful Smith is playing at the Bottom Lounge tonight. I am excited to go. I am trying to round up a posse right now. It's only 10:43, but there have already been mass 25 e-mails back and forth about tonight's festivities. Sandy wants to take it a step further and go to Happy Hour. I need to stop hanging out with 22 year olds. But they keep the wrinkles at bay.
Ok, my fingers ache. Sorry this was so long. Wait, no I'm not. You have stuck by me through this whole thing and I want to reward you. So, for your viewing pleasure, I bring you...
Now the title of this entry makes a little more sense, doesn't it?