**If you read this and know me or anyone I write about here personally, please know that this is my forum to write about how I am feeling. It's an outlet for me. Please don't get involved and cause problems. Put yourself in my position. The lurking is kinda creepy, but commenting on it to a second party isn't fair. You don't know me or my relationships. I want to be able to write freely and not feel the need to censor myself. I really wish I had kept this a lot more private, but now it is out there and my only recourse would to be to shut this down completely. And I really don't want to have to do that.
Holy god, what a depressing day.
I only got maybe 3 hours of sleep. See, the puppy peed on my bed Saturday morning, so I had to strip off my mattress pad. I forgot how fucking uncomfortable my bed is without it. I tossed and turned and tossed some more. A late night showing of "Flavor Of Love" kept me up past my bedtime. And the conversation I had right before I tried to shut off my brain did not help either.
After a long, (really) hard road of trying to make a friendship with Dio work, I think I have to throw in the towel. Even though he has the best of intentions sometimes and says all the right things, his actions speak volumes. I mean, I know the boy loves me, but he has no time for me. He has all these plans of things he wants to do with me, but they rarely come to fruition. And it hurts. If he loves me as much as he says he does, wouldn't he want to fight for me? How can he just let me walk away? I have tried to cut off ties with him multiple times, but it never takes.
I know I have to lie in the bed that I made, but I feel like I have payed for my big fuck up time and time again and I just can't be punished anymore. I do want him in my life, but it's like I don't know how to go about it anymore. I don't know what to do. I am at a loss. And on this dreary, depressing Monday morning, I am typing through a blur of tears and I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Why can't people just act the way we want them to? Why is everything so gosh darn complicated? Can't it be simple, fun and easy, like EVER???
And it's not just him. I feel like I am not living the life I was meant to live. Am I where I belong? Is there something more out there for me that I am missing? I constantly think about how my life has been shaped with every single choice I've made, no matter how seemingly insignificant. As I approach the big 3-0 in less than a year, I am freaking out. What would the idealistic 22 year old version of me think of me now?
I am unhappy with my looks, weight, job, location, income and love life. And what else is there?
On the other hand, I have my health. I have amazing friends. I have a reasonable amount of intelligence. I am not horribly disfigured. And I have a bit of hope that I can dig myself out of this rut. I am definitely in a much better place mentally than I was a few months back. It's almost time to move. I am getting my car back. Our brand new elliptical machine is just amped for me to mount it daily. And the promise of spring is sprung. And I think I need to start writing more. It's a nice little outlet and I've been pretty lax.
And on that note, on to the weekend recap!
Friday night, a large group of us went to Caesar's for margaritas and tacos. H's friends were staying with us and one of them was a zoologist from Ireland who was the cutest thing ever. I didn't take many pictures because I honestly forgot I had a camera until the end of the night. After dinner, we went to Bar Celona for an all you can drink... and then took off the Ontourage downtown. I am not a huge club fan, but we have a free drink hookup there. It was quite comical to see Cocktail and his roommate navigate the scene. They're definitely pub boys.
Cocktail and our visiting Irish lassie took an instant liking to each other. It was nice to see him get a wee bit 'o action.
Hey, Chunky Cole Medina... that's why we always wear black. And quit spilling on yourself, you slob!
The next day, I woke up at 7 to the cab driver bringing back my wallet. Hello! And when I tried to give him money, he asked for a hug instead. An honest and sweet cab driver? I was blown away! I go back to crawl into my bed, and Mr. Tinkleking jumped up on it and let loose a strong stream of piss, some of which splashed into my face. I wanted to kill him. He is now banned from my room. I had to strip my mattress pad and sheets and shiver on a bare mattress with a blanket that reeked of puppy breath.
Around 12, I drug myself to the living room and we ordered a pizza. I also uncorked a bottle of champagne to help ease my slight hangover. I had a huge night ahead of me and I needed the strength to get ready for it. Now, I haven't showered buzzed since college. I sure as hell haven't sung in the shower since then either. So everyone at home got a treat with to my vocal stylinsg of "Freddie My Love" and "There Are Worse Things I Could Do" from Grease. Yes, you're welcome!
Cocktail asked me a month prior to attend a work function with him Saturday night. It was "The Baller's Ball" an event to honor excellence in CDW sales. Each one of them got a PSP! most everyone (save Cocktail) won at least $500. One lucky bastard walked away with 10k! The ballroom was amazing... it was really dark and each table had it's own lamp that glowed different colors. There were glowing tubes all over the place and huge bulb light that coordinated. I should have took a picture. It was uber-fancy. The food was amazing too. Best damn steak I've ever had!
Cocktail and I before the big event over at LL's new place. I have never been paler in my life. If it wasn't for malignant melonoma's, I'd be coca-locious.
Afterwards, we headed to Emmitt's, a pub where they filmed that Matt Damon/George Clooney bar scene is Ocean's 11. That place is dope. I am going to become a regular now that LL lives right there.
LL threw a party for her brother there. A bunch of his friend's from NYC and Flint came as a surprise and it turned out to be REALLY fun!
I love LL's Flint town friends. Nothing hotter than a tall Asian named Rusty. I once shacked on his leather Lazy Boy, sitting straight up. Shit, that was one hell of a fun weekend.
Wait, when was this? It was mixed in with my recently downloaded pictures. I don't think it was this weekend. I think this might have been two weekends ago at Spy Bar, the same night I met a Luke Wilson look-alike, who I may or may not go on a date with. That was a fun night. And I'll keep it to myself. Thanks.
Um, hi.
Daddy and I had a nice, long talk, fueled by regret and birthday cake shots. (Those are so damn good!) Our relationship has really suffered lately, due my propensity to be easily annoyed. I really like his new boyfriend and I am going to make an effort to make our last two months living together peaceful.
Teenus and Chuckles crack me up.
LL kept going on all night about how she wanted to cover my rack with whipped cream. Then she decided to give me a hickey on my chesticles in full view of everyone.
Gross. The last time I had a hickey on my boob was 10th grade. And I didn't even have boobs then. I had skeeter bites. Thanks, carbs! And yes, this is me. I thought it would be wacky to take a couple's nametags off the table that didn't show for the shin dig. Cocktail was Otto Picklestein.
These two were made for each other.
H practices her sleeper hold.
What's with the puss, puss?
Um, ew. That'll keep me humble.
Shit. 12:38. Better do some work. I just re-signed up for NetFlix and I got distracted from writing this for awhile.
Two more things:
After the Oscars, H's friend (who gave us Charlie) stops by and all of a sudden, this little snout runs in. He is Charlie's other brother, but they look exactly alike! it was so strange. His name is Harely. How freeeeeakin' cute is that?!?!?!
Now I wasn't home on Saturday night... so I missed this, and as a huge fan of "Lazy Sunday," Natalie Portman, you are my new lesbian crush.
I'll be back again this week. Something interesting is bound to happen.