God, this is so hard.
I am just going to come right out with it...
Dio and I broke up.
Although I really can't and don't want to get into the reasons, I am devastated.
You know, it really blows that I can't get into the reasons...
#1 Because it was 93.4% my fault and put into into text for all the world to see would be horrible for my psyche.
#2 I know who reads this out there. Whether it be him, my siblings (one of which is going to kill me), my friends or his ex, I am not prepared share everything we've been going through.
This space used to be for me to go off and vent. No one would get hurt and it would make me feel so much better. I was anonymous. Now everyone and their brother can check up on me whenever they deem it necessary. I curse my last name. I am the easiest person in the world to Google.
I had a glimmer of hope that everything would work out. I really tried. But I feel like there are things that are beyond repair. Maybe I should have given it more time, but I am exhausted. I need to start feeling better about myself. This summer has been filled with guilt and regret and self-loathing.
I guess the last straw for me was this weekend. I had planned on going to Indianapolis. It was so important to me that Dio come with me and meet my best friend from college. She was the only one he has not met yet, which is telling... I have hardly met any of his friends. He refused to come along, for reasons I understand. But something inside me snapped. I have made myself suffer internally enough. I don't think our relationship is healthy. I need things he can't give me. He needs things that I can't give him.
My biggest wish is that someday we can be in each others lives. I have come to love him so much and the though of not having him in my around is unthinkable. No one has ever loved me the way he has, and I fully realize that. He allowed my inner dork to come shining through. I could be completely myself around him. For maybe the first time in my life. There is no one else I'd rather see a concert with. So maybe he will be so much more valuable as a friend than as my boyfriend.
I did the right thing by ending it.
And maybe that is what I need to convince myself of. Because right now, I am not convinced.