SLACKER!
Yes, that's me!
I will update today. Just let me get my head on straight. Ah, there it is.
It is funny how you can still have a great weekend when your bank account is -$110. I get by with a little help from my friends...
Friday was a random yet sober night. Kicked it off with my blond pretty Sandy at Caesars, where we consumed sangria and tacos. Then we set off for the ex-roommates place and finally made it over to Kincaides, which is usually pretty lackluster. Tonight was no exception. Then it was off to Rockit in the heart of downtown. Well, not really the heart. Rockit would more likely be considered to be located in the larynx of downtown. Some ugly older gentlemen insisted on buying us some saccharine sweet/lame shots to go with their saccharine sweet/lame pick up lines. Go back to Des Plaines, bubba.
When I tired of that, I wandered around and observed the truly eclectic crowd of aging hipsters and dark-rooted trixies. I could see the leers on the men's faces as the women fell for their bullshit. I could see the girls puff out their chests, pull up their tube tops and lean into these chachis for another free drink. I could envision these douche bags take the girl buy the hand and lead her into a cab an hour from now. I could already see the makeup smeared on these chick's faces as the exited these mens West Loop apartments at 10am, hands raised to cover their eyes from the suns accusing glare.
When I had enough, we jumped in a cab and headed back north, where men and boys and women are easy. I consented to hooking up with my old pal, Mary Jane. Man, can she be a bitch. She'll seem all sweet and fun at first, but half and hour into it, she'll clamp her hand over my mouth and refuse to let me speak. This causes my mouth to get dry and the oxygen to cut off to my brain. This really makes me sleepy. I tend to forget what a mean whore she can be. Now that I have it in writing, immortalized on the jungle green page, perhaps I'll remember and tell that bitch to take a hike.
So my bud walked me half way home and I trekked the rest of the way solo. Wouldn't you know... some jag off in a blue Jaguar starts following me down the street, beckoning me over to his most likely stolen vehicle. Oooh, you drive a JAG! Good enough for me! I'll climb into your car! Off come the panties! Feel free to slit my throat and leave me for dead in a ditch! Weee!
Needless to say, I picked up the pace after I flipped him off and he called me a bitch. Made it home, safe and sound.
Got up bright and early (10:30) for some Purdue Football! Headed over to Durkins where my home slices had already secured a table smack dab in the middle of the action. Beer and all you can eat Dominoes for $25. Mmmm daddy! Saw lots of blasts from the pasts. Tried to duck a couple of guys who were witness to my sophomore year indescretions to no avail. One even tried to take me home "for old times sake." I told him right where to go. Or I wanted to. But the giddyness from the beer just prompted me to giggle and coyly bat my eyelashes. But I made it home, alone, again, safe and sound. Oh and PURDUE WON! FUCK THE ILLINI, you parking cone looking motherfuckers!
Took a 3 hour nap, that's right, a 3 hour nap and woke up feeling like hell. A cold shower and busting some jams on the iPod remedied that. It was GO TIME. Made it to a friend's birthday party at Barcelona by 9:30p.m. Giddy-uped on the sangria. Maybe a little too much. Blurry. Two guys sitting at our booth started wrestling on the floor, which at the time made me giggle, but when I found out why they were fighting, it made me want to kick the darker one's ass. No one messes my best friends. No one. I am like a momma bear with her cubs. Grr.
Ok, my favorite story of the whole month. Names have been changed to protect the (totally not) innocent. 2 friends of mine, let's call them Chris and Connie, got into a cab with me at the end of the party. We had money (well they did) but Connie asked the cab driver if she could show him some of her girly bits in exchange for a free ride. He was all too eager to comply. The last time he probably saw female gentilia was the day he was born. So we near our destination and I am thinking she will never make good on her proposition. I should have known better. We exit the cab and she opens the front door. She then puts her leg up on the front seat, hikes up her skirt (sans underwear) and says "How do you like my wet p*****, you dirty pervert? Jerk off to that later!" I had turned away at this point and my other friend was too busy doubled over with laughter, so I never really did look directly into the sun, so to speak. But man, I do love that girl. She always keeps it interesting and scandalous.
Sunday, I went to the sick-ass (that is really good in Bethany-speak) buffett and got my chow on. Baked mac & cheese, mashed potatoes, fried chicken, waffles, bacon... So any weight I have lost this past month, I put right back on in the matter of 15 minutes. That's hot. The thought of partaking in any spirits making me gag, we got dropped off by male roommate to watch some football with my dorm buddies, where I drank water like it was my job. We engaged in political discussions as well as sports gambling talk that made my eyes glaze over. It went from sunny to dark and I figured it was time to call it a weekend and lay on the couch.
Did anyone watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition on ABC on Sunday? Did anyone else cry like a little bitch? Come on, admit it!
I was sick yesterday, so now the week is almost halfway over already. Can't beat that. Plus, I get PAID tomorrow! Grocery shopping! Necessity buying!
Dustpans and toilet paper and oven mitts, oh my!
With all the hot and available men out there, it is a wonder how I am still single!