BEST. WEEKEND. EVER.
Well, maybe not ever. There was one weekend last summer where I went to two Buffett Concerts, a birthday party, on a boat and got laid (very well) twice. But this weekend was indeed amazing. Tina, Christine, Fulk and I left our respective jobs (or lack thereof) around 12. Traffic blew goats. BAAAA! Or sheep. Whatever. We made a pit-stop in my hometown of Munster, IN to get gas, eat Wendy's and go to the brand spankin' new Target that opened up where Service Merchandise used to be. It was super-duper strange wandering around in my favorite store of all time, knowing that I was in Funster.
It was crappy/drizzly/rainy and depressing as-all-get-out outside. We finally made it to Niles, MI by 5:30 (time change and all) and realize we are going to be camping at a trailer park. No big whoop, but this place was so backwoods that I kept hearing Dueling Banjos in my head. We found a secluded spot where we were hoping we would be able to get rowdy later on and just kind of sat in the car, not knowing our next move. My stick-straight hair ain't havin' the drizzle, for shizzle. Thank God for the Target tarp purchase. Fulk went all boy-scout-knot on it, and WA LA... we had a dry space to set up tents. Four tents later and after all the work was done, the rain stopped. Egg-sucking whore, that Mother Nature. Always spitting in my eye!
It got dark. the bug spray came out. And this place was HARD to find. It was just the four of us for about four hours, but one-by-one, people showed up. The booze flowed. As did the obscenities. We got louder and louder as our numbers increased. Dan and Mike, as a surprise, brought my roommate Josh's girlfriend Julie. We were all happy since she rules and that made us an even group of 14 instead of 13. For canoeing purposes, we needed even numbers.
The camp site
Get away! So unphotogenic this whole trip. And that was the whole point.
Tina and I discussing world affairs.
We had such a great group. We got some Beastie Boys going, some Smores made and some locals showing up to party with our posse. One ended up being a convicted murderer! But that sweet punam! I would have never guessed! The lazy eye and scraggly mullet gave nothing away! Some of the sluttier members of our group decided the time was right for skinny dipping, so they went over to the nasty-ass manmade lake in the middle of the campground and took a dip in the buck. Mike, Dan and I decided to steal their clothes. Classic. I apologize deeply. Photos were taken of this transgression, but alas, a crafty bitch deleted them all. Again, my apologies. It was either going to yield fun photos for you to enjoy or some serious black mailing by yours truly. The madcap evening wore down. That night, I passed out with my arm over my throat, sure it was about to be slit. Good times.
It is impossible to sleep in when you are in a tent. I woke up to a spider crawling near my feet. I freaked, being the most arachnaphobic person EVER. I squealed like a shot pig. So I was fully awake when it was time to pile in cars and go to the canoe site. I paired up with my girl Katie, who is the shiznit. Little did we realize we were in for a 6.5 hour tour. A 6.5 HOUR TOUR! I have no idea if she just wasn't informed or what, but our canoe trip was 17 miles! Holy hell! Starting out, we did not know this, so we were taking our time... floating along... drinking beers and shots of Pucker & So Co. It was REALLY fun... until we sidled up along Mike's canoe and I grabbed his arm to get his attention and he lost his balance and tipped him and Dan over. Beers went flying. Dan lost his sunglasses. Death glares were shot my way. And I felt horrible. I started to cry and people were like, "You dumb bitch, stop crying, it's not that big of a deal." After 20 minutes, they finally were able to get back in their canoe, and I paddled the hell out of there.
The river seemed endless. At one point the couples drifted off and it was just 4 canoes full of girls. Being pretty drunk, someone came up with the idea of having us some topless canoeing. And we did. I still get the giggles picturing Tina without her top on, paddling away like there's no tomorrow. Katie got to be the judge in a whose-boobs-are-bigger contest between Christine and Julie. Fun for all!
We became so sunburned, drunk and tired and just wanted to get to the end. I started paddling my little heart out with no help from Katie. Well maybe a little. And with one minute to go, inexplicably, Katie and I fall over in the canoe. BUT I SAVED THE SO CO! Karma is a bitch. We get up to the dock, and inexplicably, I fall UP the stairs. BUT I SAVED THE SO CO! The bruise is quite ugly. I came back to camp and passed out for I don't know how long. I was woken up by the unmistakable shouts of a hardcore Flip Cup tournament. That's my game! So I shoved someone out of my way and ended up sucking due to my still inherent drunkeness. Usually that is an asset in this game, but I think the lack of sleep was playing with me too.
After the Flip Cup table got flipped over by a roid ragin' Christine (see above), people started concentrating more on drinking again. Even more so than before. The guy who ran the canoe place got inexplicably invited to join us (thanks Stine!) and he brought his snake in tow. No, not his trouser snake, although I am sure that was lurking somewhere, but an actual SNAKE. Freaked most everyone out, everyone that is, but me! I love snakes. I had that baby wrapped around my neck for a good while. I bonded with Emily and Julie, two girls I had never really took the time to know before. I am pretty guarded around other females. It takes awhile to bust through these brick walls, but once you do, you are plum-covered in love, baby. (See below)
How do you like it daddy?
Yeah, Julie is great. I dig her. Josh better not fuck this one up.
HOT!
I ended up in a tent on an air mattress with Joe (hot arms in a Flip Cup picture above) and Julie. He was trying to wrangle himself a 3-way. No sir! Julie is a good girl. Fortunately for him, Bethany is not. Emily and Fulk ended up spooning next to us. They would make a fabulous couple. I am pulling for them. Julie said she could feel something crawling on her. Fulk turned on the light to see a HUGE spider on her back. He did not alert me to its presence because he knew I would FLIP OUT and tear the tent down in my rush to get out of it. Good thinking, Fulk. Don't ask, don't tell.
The next morning I woke up with a huge bite on my toe. It is sick looking. It is all purple and looks like it is about to explode. Hopefully, I don't drop dead. I have too much to look forward to in the coming months. We cleaned up the site, said our goodbyes and drove either eastward or westward. I was anxious to get home so I could take my second shower of the day and get ready for the Maroon 5/John Mayer concert. I made it home in time, no thanks to getting lost and repeated bathroom stops. It ended up just being Dan, Mike, their friend Josh and me. We had lawn seats and I ended up getting my ticket for a great price. It was mellow and the perfect way to end such a frenzied weekend.
And to the bitches who royally screwed up our order at Wendy's that night, a plague on all your houses.