I can't believe it was only a little over a year ago that I was holding a full bottle of Advil and re-reading the words of my suicide note over and over. I was sitting at my parent's kitchen table an utter failure. I took 6 years to get through school. I moved to Arizona and that failed miserably. The man I though I was going to marry was no longer in my life. Indianapolis wasn't paying enough and I felt like it was time to get out and come up to Chicago to make some real money. Trouble was, I moved out without a job lined up, so there I was... living with my parents. Jobless. Boyfriendless. Utterly miserable. A woman of 26 who was back at square one.
From November of 2002 until March of 2003, I was inconsolable. I managed to find a job, but the commute was 50 miles each way and I really hated what I was doing. I have never been more uncomfortable at a job in my life. Traffic was my worst enemy. My car was my prison. It was bitterly cold. My life consisted of waking up, putting my hair in a ponytail, making the treacherous journey to work, hating every minute I was there, making the even more treacherous journey back to my parent's house, stuffing my face, watching Days Of Our Lives on tape and then settling in for a long night of TV all alone in my old room. I hated looking in the mirror. I despised what I had become. Bethany, life of the party, reduced to crying in her peach and teal hideous old bedroom night after night.
One day in February was driving to work and the sun peaked through the clouds a little bit. I had not seen the sun for months. My heart sped up and I got this incredible rush. I realized my life had become horrible because I had done nothing to make it better. I had given up. But on that partially sunny February day I decided enough was enough and I was going to take control of my life again.
So I got online. Found an apartment. Found roommates. Finally I had something to look forward to. Life had purpose. I got swept into a new, exciting life with new, exciting people. I started seeing myself again. I still hated my job, but the fun I was having at home made me realize not to let it get to me so much.
My life has changed dramatically over this past year. I can't remember the last time I was in a truly bad mood. I have made such a wonderful group of friends. A surrogate family that is multiplying by the minute. The only thing lacking is money, but I have enough to live on. I realize how lucky I am at this moment. A lot of times you really don't realize what you have until it is gone... but right now, I know what I have and it is such a wonderful thing not to take anything for granted.
So you might think a situation is never going to get better. That you have hit rock bottom. But the thing about rock bottom is there is no where to go but up.
Sorry if this was cheesy. But it was on my mind this morning after a long conversation I had last night with a guy I am dating. We were giving each other background stories and he has been through some completely horrendous things in his life. He says he regrets none of it because it had molded him into what he is today. He is a wonderful guy and I hope he sticks around awhile.
Randy sent these to me yesterday. If something makes me laugh out loud, its gotta be posted.
Holy shit! my WILDEST DREAMS have come true!