What is wrong with me? Why am I in such a rut? I don't feel like I have the energy nor the wit lately to make you want to read what I write. Words used to pour from the agile little fingers like water and they could barely keep up with the thoughts racing through my mind. I think life's boring routine has gotten to me.
Maybe it is because no one has taken a stroll down Bethany Blvd. for awhile. Maybe it's because I need a change of scenery in the form of a new apartment. Maybe I am sick of always worrying about money. Whatever it is, it sucks and I am ready for spring's glorious rebirth to wipe all this shittiness away.
Do you ever look in the mirror and get sick of what you see? I am tired of myself, so how can I expect anyone else not to be tired of me too? I am not saying I don't love myself or I think I am ugly, I just don't like looking at me through someone else's eyes. I am scared of what they see. A 27 year old woman living with boys, drinking her life away, spending large amounts of money on crap and going to bed alone.
Wah wah wah. Cry me a river. Maybe it is because I received the following letter from an ex today:
Hi Bethany. I'm not sure if I will come to your Black
and Tan party (but, you know how I like my B&T's). I
appreciate your invites, don't get me wrong. But,
honestly, part of the problem is that I am not a
partier. Everything to which you've invited me has
been a party and that's why I've declined. See, I
liked you Bethany but I didn't like you when you drank
so much. It seemed like the majority of my time spent
with you was filtered through alcohol in some way.
That really bummed me out. The last thing I want to
do is hang out someplace uncomfortable to begin with
and watch you drink more and do stuff that caused the problems for me like before. I'm just not sure if I
want to come to more parties, now that we're not
together, when I don't really have any desire to be in
the party scene anymore. Sorry, Bethany. I guess
we're really two very different people. I hope
there's no hard feelings on your part. I wish you all
the best. We could easily run into each other and I
don't want to feel like we need to avoid each other
for any reason... because I really don't feel like it
should be that way. But, I don't think I'll be up for
partying with you anytime soon.
Goodbye and take care of yourself, Bethany.
It made me wonder if I am indeed the alcoholic party girl he made me out to be. Yes, I am completely hedonistic. I believe life is about making connections and memories. It is not sitting on your butt waiting for something to happen to you. So I posed the question to my bud and he put it like this:
Keep in mind, that what I am about to write is filtered through someone who, likewise, and on several occasions by several people, has been told that I have a drinking problem.
�It appears to me that you and ______ are simply different people, who want and value different things in life.� And its extremely unfair of _______ to chastise you for your decision in life.� Your drinking has not caused a drop-off in job performance, hasn't caused any legal troubles, and your health hasn't suffered (other than the occasional hangover of course).� While perhaps you have acted in a negative light while drinking, the positive experiences (see Sunday afternoon) have outweighed the negative.� I mean, what if you were to send an email to him, saying "______, I'm concerned that you never seem to let go, that you seem too uptight, that you are too anxious to prove to yourself that you are an adult to the point that you criticize pure instincts to have fun."
�I too have had countless friends who have criticized me, and when they get into social settings with all of my friends, they read the paper, or leave early to take the dog out, or some other escape that allows them to hide from mingling, and then they chastise everyone as alcoholics.� When you can't live without a beer for the sake of a beer...thats an alcoholic.� When you can't live without your friends and making new ones, thats called being social.
That man is so wise. He always puts things into perspective for me.
My life is pretty sweet sometimes. Do you ever get that rush? You know, that hopeful rush that everything is going to start going your way? Sometimes it is just for a brief second, but you can almost swear a weight just lifts off your back and everything seems right in the world. I got one of those rushes today while I was getting off the train. I looked at all the people still inside the train and realized how far I have to go. How many more connections I get to make in this life. How much there is to look forward to. How I am still climbing uphill instead of zooming down. I live for that rush. The rush of the unknown. maybe that is why I am fighting settling down. Why I still act like I am in college. I love not knowing. Right this minute, I am still a blank slate. I have to trust myself and believe that I am a good person that deserves the best life has to offer.