I got my feelings hurt yesterday.
Things had been going great. I am signing my lease with a cool-ass guy on Monday. I have all sorts of people responding to my roommate ad, and I have talked to a few I really liked. A guy who I had talked to in length and who was referred to me by the guy who I was going to originally live with, called me. Man, that sounds complicated. Garbled. Basically, this guy was really interested in the apartment but he talked to two of the guys I had met with when I saw the place.
At first they both described me as being cool. But a few days later, they told him I was too "over powering" and maybe he shouldn't live with me.
Overbearing? Overpowering? Too aggressive? If this wasn't kind of upsetting, it would be funny. Firstly, whenever a woman is aggressive, she is a "bitch." If a woman knows what she wants and goes after it, she is overbearing? A man is never described as "overbearing"... he is simply powerful. Secondly, I am pretty damn meek most of the time. I am always afraid to assert myself, I worry so much what people think of me! I hate confrontation! I am so indecisive! I don't like upsetting anyone!
After I saw this apartment, I loved it. I loved the neighborhood, the layout, the ambiance. THE PRICE! So maybe I wasn't being laid-back about it, but in my experience, everytime I have really wanted something, but did my usual "hang-back-and-see"... it never goes my way! I hate feeling like I have no control over a situation, but I rarely do anything about it for fear of looking like a bitch. I clicked with these guys, thought they liked me, but I guess I seemed too eager. I go over in my head what I did wrong to make these guys think I would not make a good roommate. It's eating me up, but it shouldn't. My only issue is that one of these guys is going to live above me. So, I'll be typical me... I'll avoid him and try to come off as meek when I do see him.
But wait a minute, why should I do that? Why do I care so much what people think of me? It's hard to say how I feel about this. I walk around, oblivious to others, thinking they can see what's inside, my INTENTIONS... but all they can see is what I put out there. So I should be more careful about what I am putting out there.
Bottom line: I need to be true to myself. I am a good person, I care about others and I treat people how I would want to be treated, well... most of the time. Let this roll of my back and get out there and make positive things happen. This was a bit of a reality check. I need to chill. I deserve for things to work out, and they will.