You know you are in for an interesting night when your traveling companions pull a strobe light, glow sticks and baby oil out of the trunk of their Mercedes.
It started out like an typical Friday night. H and I sat around watching VH1 and willing ourselves off the couch and into the shower. 7 turned to 8 which turned to 9 and we still had no clue what we wanted to do. I wanted to go out and get a lil loca since my last two weekends were spent morning my grandfather in Indiana. I wanted to dance. I wanted to find some chandeliers to swing from. I wanted to rawk out with my cawk out. I just didn't have any ideas on how to go about it.
At the stroke of 9, my phone starts playing "Warm It Up Kris!" (my new ringtone. Dope!) I see it is Tavis, a strapping rapper I had met a few months prior and had hung out with once. He said dug me a whole bunch (I have a feel he digs anything with a hole and a pulse) but I definitely told him I was keeping it on the friendship tip. Consequently, I hadn't heard from him for a while. He is a connected guy, so I got a little excited when he called. I looked over to H and announced "Here come our plans for the night!"
He said he was doing a promotion over at CroBar, a place I have heard all about but have never frequented. He asked if we'd like to be put on his list for free admission and drinks. I said, "Yes-please!" So we tore our butts off the couch and got all gussied up.
We got there around 11. I was looking fly in my fun H&M skirt and sheer tank with my knee high suede wedges. H was rockin' an all black ensemble as well. We got in line and noticed a group of "healthy women" get in line behind us. The "most healthy" one was wearing an almost sheer white tube top. Her wobbly gut was straining against the restriction of her waistband. It was pretty heinous. I ain't mad atcha for packing a few on, hell knows I am not petite... but for the love of Pete, 200 pound girls should NEVER wear white tubetops. It was like she took yellow highlighter and smeared it all over her gut. I wanted to go up to her friends and slap them upside the head for letting her out of the house like that.
So we get in and do a couple of laps before committing to a location. I notice the amount of preppy people in the house. I guess CroBar used to be all hardcore goth but has become preppified. I felt a bit let down. Nothing more fun than vinyl and nipple clamps! After a few shots and plenty of people watching, Tavis found me and introduced us to a few of his friends. They seemed nice enough. The girl of the group was wearing a black catsuit... and could actually pull it off. She was very touchy feely and made it known she had ingested some X. Cuz that's just how she rolls, yo. I'll just stick to my gin and juice, thankyouverymuch.
I went to the bar and noticed this insanely hot dancer chick. Her moves were amazing and her body was sick. Sick I say! She hypnotized me. I felt compelled to capture her essence on film. Observe:
It's this one thing that got me trippin'.
She spends more than 8 minutes on those abs.
I'm love drunk off her hump.
Don't get me wrong, I love men... but it's women like this that make me question why. Women's bodies are so much more beautiful then men's. They smell better, too.
At was nearing 2am, so we all decided to bounce. They suggested going to their hotel (one of them was just visting) and getting some more drinks. I was wide awake and ready to have some more fun. I wanted to actually sleep in on Saturday morning for once and wanted to stay awake as long as possible.
Mission accomplished!
We had to take two cars and before H and Tavis went to his, she said "by the way, we're going to our house. I want to get my phone." Whoah, bad idea I think. First of all, our place is a pit. There are elliptical machine parts everywhere and a week's worth of dirty dishes all over the kitchen. Secondly, we have a puppy there and these people didn't seem to be looking to play fetch. But I went along for the ride.
I rode with catsuit girl and her boyfriend. They immediately made it known that they were swingers and they went out hardcore every weekend. I then made it known that I'm not really into that type of thing. She assured me that they were "taken care of for the night" (huh?) and that they just wanted to have a few drinks before DRIVING back to their place. We zipped down Lake Shore Drive, talking and laughing and all of a sudden, catsuit crawled into the back seat with me. She put her head on my shoulder and rubbed my freezing leg. I became extremely uncomfortable, but she seemed like a very sweet girl. I honestly felt bad for her. Her boyfriend was sorting of treating her like a piece of meat. She is 26 with a 7 year old at home and here she is, out cavorting with this group of guys that take her down and pass her around like bottles of beer on the wall.
So we get back. They open their trunk and pull out a strobe light, glow sticks and baby oil. I was puzzled. I consider myself a fairly innocent person that hasn't been exposed to kinky things or hardcore drugs in my 29 years on this earth. I enjoy the simple things. Walking hand in hand down the street. Thai food. The smell of fresh cut grass. So I am taken aback, but I roll with it since H is inside waiting on me.
I pound on the doors since H left before us and had my keys. My male roommate opens the door all bleary eyed and I feel really bad. Apparently he had to wake up very early in the morning and having 5 people over was not conducive to this. H is not back yet and I am a little panicked. Especially when the boyfriend looks at me and asks "what bedroom can I plug the strobe into?" I tell him no one will be going into any of the bedrooms tonight, but if you feel the strobe is really a necessary ingredient to hanging out, you can hook it up in the living room. I am fully sober at this point and really wishing H would get back.
One of the guys claimed he was hot and pulled off his shirt. Another one tried to massage my feet. I kicked him off and hid out on the porch.
H finally gets back and is like "what's with the strobe?" I shrug and give her a frightened look.
***EDIT: I forgot this part, I just remembered it now as I was IMing with Jo. At one point, I was standing in the living next to a seated H. Boyfriend took out the baby oil and poured it all over H's hands as she sat in the chair. He instructed her to give his girlfriend a backrub. The girl comes over to H and gives her a lap dance while oil driped from her palms. She basically wiped in on her back and then shook off her hands. One of the other guys then removed her shoes and started giving her a footrub, while she was still being freak-danced. She hates for her feet to be touched and I know this. She looked over at me in a bit of a panic and I shrugged and said "Whadda ya gonna do?"
After a few unsuccessful attempts at luring me or H into a bedroom, the couple give up and sit on the couch. I am standing there sipping on some water and I notice one of the other guys reach over and start nursing on her. He went to town while her boyfriend just sat there and watched. Was this really happening? The other guys were hunting through our fridge for alcohol and being really loud and rude. I pulled H aside and said "we need to get them out of here, they are freaking me out." H told me she had taken a shot with one of them and he had crushed up an X tablet and put it in her drink. WHO DOES THAT?!?!? I was irate. She was irate, as irate as a person on X can be. Tavis came into the kitchen and apologized. He said his friends were being disrespectful and he would ask them to leave if I wanted. I said ok and we went to find everyone. The three on the couch had disappeared.
Shit.
I checked all the bedrooms and apologized to male roommate again and told him I was getting these people out of here. Yeah, I think he pretty much hates us.
H located the three of them in the boys bathroom. She told them to get the fuck out, but didn't look in the bathroom after they vacated. We saved that joy for the next morning. We finally pushed them out the door and headed to our friend's apartment. I felt kinda dirty, but hell, I was really well behaved. I guess I run with a pretty tame crowd. Our idea of a rowdy night is a Flip Cup tournament.
I do feel, however, that we need to call catsuit. H got her number. We feel like she runs with a bad crowd but she is completely redeemable. Maybe it's daddy issues or self-esteem or whatever, but she really needs help. H and I want to take her under our wing of righteousness and befriend her. Hopefully, she'll ditch those bozos.
We hung at our friend's and watched episodes of Entourage. I maybe slept for an hour, if that. I just wanted my own bed. We come back at 11am, after we knew irate male roommate had left and survey the damage. The floor was sticky with wine. There were glow stick wrappers scattered about. And I wailed when I looked in the bathroom.
There were muddy footprints in the bottom of the tub and the shower doors were completely off their hinges. Then I noticed an empty bottle of vodka under the cabinet with a used condom stuck to it! Fucking sick. I was repulsed. I chucked it into the dumpster with a shudder and proceeded to bleach the shit out of the shower. Geee-ross.
The rest of the weekend was not as action-packed, but it was lovely none the less. H and I layed around all Saturday. Her friends came and I went out for 2 martinis and headed home around 1am to get some much needed sleep. They stayed out until 5am. H is a rockstar, I don't know how she does it. These old bones can't hang two nights in a row.
Yesterday was great. H's friend brought over his sister's puppy, who is the brother to our boy Charlie. He is also named Charlie and he is so freaking cute.
Oh, the brotherly love!
They really liked to rassle.
What's cuter than snouts and smooches?!?!?! Nutting!
Charlie2 looks more like a pitbull than Charlie. He's bigger too. He reminds me of Petey from the Little Rascals.
Charlie2 looks a bit psychotic here.
After all the puppy-lovin', we got cleaned up and headed over to the Big House for a Superbowl party. I could care less about either of the teams. Football died on January 15th, in my opinion. I was dying for a Colts-Bears matchup... but the football gods spat in my eye once again! (Screw you all for taking my Boilers from amazing to abysmal!) I was there for the buffet and the commercials. I had a blast. It was good CLEAN fun. I needed a dose. I forgot to pull out my camera until the very end.
T-Nuts won large in squares in the last quarter, ending the 3 quarter winning streak for Cocktail.
Fulk sips on his Courvoisier in true pimp style.
We packed it in and called it a night. We picked up a couple bottles of wine (which I am now dependent on every Sunday night in order to fall asleep) and popped in The 40 Year Old Virgin. I will never get sick of that movie. I fall more in love with Steve Carell every time I see it.
Shaping up to be a nice little week. I am going out to Dio's tomorrow and we're going to eat here and then go watch this tomorrow night. We're going to see The Black Rebel Motorcycle Club on Wednesday night and Dio says I need to see Dig because one of the members of BRMC was involved with that. I guess I'll find out more about it tomorrow. Dio's passion for music and movies is awesome. We are planning to see many indie concerts, which I am excited about. I feel like I listen to the same old stuff over and over and I want to inject something new into my musical repertoire.
It's 1pm and I've done jack shit today. Slacker! I am hankering for some cold cuts and cheese. Coming atcha Potbelly!
This is the funniest. thing. ever.