I am in a hell of my own making.
I have been pretty depressed for quite some time now. And it's not just my love life... oh no. I am sick of living paycheck to paycheck. I am sick of looking at my soft abs and slight emergence of a double chin that is growing ever less slight. I am sick of my laziness and apathy. I am sick of keeping it all inside and not being able to let it all out in a constructive way. I am sick of being selfish. And most of all, I am sick of my own excuses. I am sick of being all talk and no action.
Not making enough money?
LOOK FOR ANOTHER JOB!
Not feeling creative anymore?
STOP SURFING GOSSIP BLOGS AND WORK ON YOUR PORTFOLIO!
Love life sucks?
GIVE SOMEONE ELSE A CHANCE!
Feeling kinda fat?
WORK OUT, BITCH!
Last night I had a "breakthough moment" as Oprah so aptly calls it. I bawled for half an hour after I got home from work. Suddenly, I had the strangest feeling come over me. I looked over at my bloated, tear stained face in the mirror and then felt a presence sitting on my bed. When I turned towards it, I saw the angelic and unlined face of Cher. She smiled broadly, got a glint in her eye, raised back her open hand and wacked me square on the cheek.
"SNAP OUT OF IT!" she wailed.
My cheek still stings a bit.
Yes, with Dio, I had a great thing. When one part of your life shines, it is easier to ignore the parts that don't. So I let myself get in a career rut because I had a man who loved me so much. But here is Bethany coming clean: I FUCKED IT UP.
Dio and I splitting had to do with infidelity. I got close to another guy when I was in San Diego in June. Why? Because I got scared. I am at that age where people settle down. And I guess I wasn't ready. I have severe trust issues with men, and I am afraid if I do not finally face them, I am going to keep repeating these horrible patterns of hurting people that honestly love me.
I have been in serious relationships before that ended badly. But the thing with Dio and I is that it did not end badly. We so desperately still want to be in each others lives, but for me it is so hard because seeing and talking to him reminds me of what a rotten person I can be. The amount of regret I feel is weighing so heavily on me. The What Ifs are driving me insane. I have to put a stop to this right now. I never dealt with something that happened to me when I was 15. In fact, I never even spoke the words until I had a long talk with my sista last weekend. I pushed it way so down deep inside of me that I almost managed to forget it existed.
But I can't do that anymore. I need to deal. I need to get past it. I can't let it keep poisoning my outlook on men. Because now I know that there are decent men out there that have the capacity to love me more than I could have ever dreamed possible. I just have to believe that I deserve that.
I will always love Dio. And I know that he loves me. He taught me I can love someone more than I love myself. He made me face alot of hard truths, even if he doesn't know it. I now realize that I need to let people in, as painful as it might be. I want to be proud of who I am. I want to be someone he can be proud of. I hope that we can work past this because I believe we share something so sacred and special that whatever hurt and pain we've gone through, only good can come from all of this. Even if he never wants to be with me again, I know he will always be in my life.
No matter what brought me to this place right now, all this pain is almost worth it to get my shit back on track. I have so much going for me. And no matter what I tell myself and even though I will be celebrating a dreaded birthday soon (but not THE dreaded birthday quite yet), I am young and have so much time to figure out where I want to be and what I want to do. As Daddy pointed out yesterday, we live in a huge city. If I lived in Iowa in some small town somewhere, I would probably be married. But people here take their time. They go out and enjoy their lives. Our options are almost endless. There are so many connections yet to be made, and I can't shut myself off from that anymore.
Whew. This has been therapeutic. You can have it all swimming around in your head, but until you let it flow out your fingertips and make it something tangible, it almost doesn't make sense. Hell, maybe it still doesn't...
So my plan of attack is as follows:
� Get to Bally's. I pay for it every month, why not ACTUALLY go? There is a hip-hop class there that I am going to sign up for tonight. Once I lose a bit of weight, I will feel better and more confident and that will help immensely in other parts of my life.
� Work hard on my portfolio. Use the downtime at work and the computer access for something constructive. Creating art is fun. I need to unload this mental block I've been having and get back to the basics. I am a creative person. I have a penchant for aesthetics. I'm going to roll up my sleeves and even teach myself more about web design and programs outside of Photoshop.
� Start volunteering at the animal shelter again. I used to always feel so good after going and playing with the doggies and kitties. But I got wrapped up in my own selfish pursuits and let that go by the wayside.
� Look for a part-time job so I can start putting money away for my own place. It is time to live on my own. My goal is June.
� Go on a date. Stop making excuses. If someone asks from now on, I am going to say yes. Because you never know.
� GAWD ALMIGHTY, this is going to sound cheesy. But this is the most important thing of all... I need to start loving myself again. I look back and pictures from college and wonder what happened to that super-confident, fun-loving person. I need to stop comparing myself to other people. I need to stop looking at people on the bus and on the street and wondering about their lives. I can not compare myself to some of these trust fund women wandering Michigan Ave for the perfect pair of Jimmy Choos. That is never going to be me. And that is just fine. I am not a some vapid blow-up doll. I fucking rule, yo. Now if I could just start honestly believing that, we'd be all set.
There are good things and good times ahead to be had. A bunch. And I am going to get out there and start finding them.