I had stopped thinking about you. You never even cross my mind anymore. Well, hardly. Then I go and have this hazy, long and complex dream where you played an insignifigant character... just some guy lurking in the background... which is pretty apropos, because that is all you are to me now. I awoke from that dream... and as my mind cleared from being jerked from REM sleep by the snoring of the other inhabitant of the room, you were the first thing on my mind. I layed and stared at the ceiling and thought about you for at least an hour.
You used to haunt me all the time. But things have changed. I have changed. I went off and got a life. I left you behind. But you came back and I never asked you to.
I thought I was going to marry you. You were my most serious relationship. Hell, you were going to move 1800 miles just to be with me. With me! That is a lot of pressure. I wanted to be perfect for you. I was immature. You were mature. I was unsteady and you were stable. I was wild and you were calm. You came to me at a crucial crossroads in my life. I had to either grow up or be stuck in that college town forever. You were my rock. I was ready to grow up. I needed to grow up. For once, someone else was holding the reigns and that was a relief. I was too tired to date boys anymore. I could just sit back and let you take control. It was exciting to chase after you. You were a mystery. You didn't show up at my front door at 3am demanding to know what I did that night. You didn't fail Algebra 152 four times. You didn't make out with other girls in front of my friends and me. I fell in love much more quickly than you did. In fact, I think you only told me you were in love after 2 years and only after I told you I was leaving you... but I digress.
You were everything I never knew I always wanted. I felt safe in your arms. I fell in love with your family. We laughed. I mean, it wasn't all peaches and cream, that's for damn sure. It seemed like we were off more than we were on sometimes. At one point, we both cheated. Then we missed what we had. Then we reconciled... only to fight again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
You took up three years of my life. I didn't see it going anywhere. You were distant. So I gathered up courage I didn't even know I had and I left you. I got in a car with my father and drove 30 hours away from you. I tried to find solace in the arms of another... but he wasn't you. Every flaw you ever had was erased and every great thing about you was amplified. I felt alone. I felt empty. I loved Arizona, but I loved you more... and for once, you poured your heart out to me. You really missed me. Maybe even more than I missed you. I was off doing new and exciting things and you were stuck in the middle of our old life, but without me there to live it with.
You came to see me. For once, you were chasing me and I was the one with my guard up... but in that week, I fell back in love with you and finally felt secure in that love as it was returned. I can not remember feeling happier than when you declared you wanted to move there and be with me. It made me feel important. Grownup. Like finally my life made sense and this was the direction it was supposed to go.
I threw myself into finding an apartment, decorating it, and making sure everything was perfect for your arrival. September turned into October. October turned into November. My loneliness turned to despair. My world was fallling apart, and I felt like you were the only thing that could put it back together. I was completely dependant on you yet again.
We fought over the phone more frequently. The romance and excitement of living together was exposed to the harsh reality of our incompatibility. You got scared and I didn't blame you... but I had invested so much of myself in that. I had built up this perfect life we were going to have in my head. In loneliness and confusion, we clung to each other, but that hardly constitutes being together for the rest of our lives. A relationship needs to be about more than comfort. I really did love you, and I know you loved me. I had the most heartbreaking conversation of my life with you... but it was necessary to get me back on track in my own life. I couldn't worry about two anymore. One was more than enough. I moved back with a facade that we could work through it, but I knew better. Nothing was the same. The comfort was gone, and towards the end, that was all we had.
It has been almost 2 years now. I moved to Chicago. I made a great group of friends. I have even dated a few people. It took awhile, but you moved to the back of my mind. I saw you two months ago at a football game, and it was awkward, like when people that have had a one night stand run into each other on the street. I knew you inside and out. I knew every curve of your body and every freckle on your face. Now I felt like we had become virtual strangers. There was an undercurrent of sadness that passed through the both us because we had been reduced to exchanging mere pleasentries outside of a porta potty.
Every once in awhile, something would remind me of you. Seeing country line dancing on TV (I don't see that in person anymore...) Watching the Seinfeld episode that refers to manhands (well, just about ANY Seinfeld episode.) Noticing a black Silverado truck pass me on the street. Passing by a Don Pablos. The Best Western on Michigan Avenue.
How long are you going to be sticking around for? I thought I got rid of you. You were a huge part of my life. Part of me will always love you. But I am ready to let go.