Bethany is boring. That is what ya'll are going to be thinking for the next few months. I am not going to come back on Monday with tales of drunken debauchery anymore. That's right. Ladies and gentleman... Bethany will not partake in alcoholic beverages for 2 months! Well, let me add a disclaimer: there are certain events, huge events coming up that I will be having a few glasses of wine, but for the most part... NO VODKA. NOTHING WITH SODA IN IT. NO MARGARITAS. And definitely NO BEER! No 50 cent drafts, no dollar bottle night, no kegs, nada, zip, zilch, zero. I will be chipping in for, but not drinking the kegs for our Black and Tan Party.
I have already put myself to the test this past Wednesday. I went out with the old gang to 50 cent draft night at the Cubby Bear and I drank water! Of course at points I was bored out of my mind, but that is the price I'll have to pay for being to hold my head up high again.
I wanna be able to strut. To wear things that are tight on my stomach. To not have to change outfits 7 or 8 times before I feel my stomach is sufficiently covered and masked. I have people telling me I look fine and trust me I could be a lot worse off... but it is all how you feel about yourself. It's not just about being thin... it's about being in shape. Healthy. Yet, there is SO MUCH pressure to look a certain way, especially for women. We are made to feel bad and unattractive if we aren't all tight and toned.
There is only so much something can be on your mind before you actually take action and do something about it. I have been thinking about how unhappy I am with my appearance for over three years now. I am sick of constantly comparing myself to other women. I mean CONSTANTLY. So quit whining and do something about it, bitch!
And I have. I went and bought $100 worth of health food. My refrigerator and cabinets now consist of bottled water, grapes, apples, salmon steaks, chicken, Nutra-Grain bars, canned tuna and bananas. I went to the gym yesterday and did 4 miles on the elliptical machine (I have a really bad knee, so running is out!) I felt so great walking the mile home. I didn't even mind the frozen sweat. If I am not getting any, working out is going to have to be the next best rush. I went to bed at 9:30 feeling tired and wonderful. This all seems to be so easy, why didn't I do this before?
Oh wait, I have. About 2 years ago, I really tried to lose weight. I joined a gym and watched what I ate. I did not have much success. At first, I was all gung-ho, much like I am now. Then my will started dropping off rapidly. I believe myself to be one of the laziest human beings on Earth. Yet, when I put my mind to something, I always see through.
I have two issues right now: Losing weight and putting my personality to the test. I think I use alcohol as a crutch to act the way I would if I did not have so many inhibitions. I am always so worried about what other people think about me, sometimes so much so I'll just sit there like a bump on a log and not say a damn word. When I am drunk, I don't give a shit what anyone thinks. I am crazy and I love myself. Maybe if I felt better about my body and general appearance, I wouldn't feel the need to stay quiet and not draw too much attention to myself. Then I wouldn't need alcohol as an uninhibitor.
None of my friends thinks of me as shy. But I believe myself to be EXTREMELY shy around people I don't know well. I suck at small talk. I never know what to say. I hate talking on the phone, but I am brilliant over am IM or an e-mail.
Why is that? I am a intelligent person, but often times I struggle with what I want to say. Yet when I am writing, it just flows out. Is that why chatting, e-mail and cyber dating have become so popular? There must be more out there like me!
I place a high value on face to face interaction, as long as it is someone who I am comfortable with. I have a hard time looking people in the eye. And that just sucks. Am I afraid of what I could see? Or am I more afraid of what they might see?
Tangents! Long story short... I have never been this motivated to lose weight and get myself back on track. I am actually pretty interested to see how I will be in party situations without alcohol. This weekend will be another great test. I have a lot going on this weekend that revolves around alcohol... for example tonight I am going to a $25 all-you-can-drink-top-shelf party. It sucks being the sober one with a bunch of drunk asses, but I can either clam up like I did on Wednesday, or I can get out there and have just as much fun as they are... without alcohol.